This isn't a lecture about why bullying is bad.
You already know that.
This is about the space between kind and cruel —
the place where most of us actually live.
Ken Rigby's Definition of Bullying
Bullying is a desire to hurt + a hurtful action +
a power imbalance + repetition +
an unjust use of power + evident enjoyment
by the aggressor and a sense of being oppressed by the victim.
— Ken Rigby, New Perspectives on Bullying (2002)
That's the textbook version. But here's what it misses:
Most harm isn't malign. It's mindless.
People who don't realise they're causing pain.
People who are being nice — but not kind.
Four Things to Hold
2 / 3
One
Nice is not Kind
Nice protects your comfort. Kind protects their dignity.
You can be polite, agreeable, and smiling — and still cause harm
through what you choose not to do.
Two
The Binary is a Lie
There are no "bullies" and "victims" — just people making choices.
Most unkindness isn't malicious. It's mindless. That doesn't make it hurt less,
but it does mean you can change it.
Rigby calls this "non-malign bullying" — harm without intent is still harm.
Three
You Have the Power to Help
Power isn't just "who has power over whom." It's also "who has the power to help."
You might not be the one causing pain — but if you can see it
and you do nothing, that's a choice too.
Four
You Can Step Out
This is the hardest one. If you're on the receiving end —
you are not always powerless. Not always, not in every situation.
But sometimes you have more agency than you think.
Recognising when you can step out is itself an act of self-kindness.
This is not victim-blaming. It's victim-empowering.
The Ask
3 / 3
You're about to do four short exercises on your phone.
They're anonymous. Nobody will see your answers.
Be honest — not for us, but for you.
The point isn't to score well.
The point is to notice something
about the choices you make every day.